Single for the 40th time

Najua ni siku mob nimepotea ka coin ya BOB,anyway blame Colymore ju ni ye' amefanya niluz my BUNDLE of joy,sahi niko so SINGLE ka ngoma solo kwa ALBUM...(Spoken word pia siko mbaya.). Did I say am single, yes I am ..na hivi ndio kuliendanga.

Siku njema huonekana kama kawa ngware,since nihame from Kawangware nimekuwa namezea dame plot next,so this morning she bought me some pizza (mandazi). This meant no whistling for my cup of hot stirred drinking chocolate,I actually had to take it from the balcony. I know you know how mandazi ya mwisho huwa tamu..now Imagine I had watch it fly to the ground just after one bite (bad omen).Still the day was super fantastic, Nana the girl next door paid me a visit thanks to Dr. Matiang'i's long holiday. Nana and l are friends with benefits,but her mom believes I help her with homework.

Her mom wasn't home so she brought me lunch not forgetting slices. As we were busy studying in bed,her mom opened the door,their door, So she hurriedly left. I had to shower na kuclady my Sunday best though ilikuwa sato,ready to go watch the game. Knock knock...ingia iko wazi,it was Janet my main Chiq, she had paid me a surprise visit. A moment of awkwardness emerged when the Surprisee (Janet) turned out to be the surprised one..."hio panty ni ya nani?" She asked. The bakery of lies (my head) didn't fail me," nilianulia mama peter manguo,I guess hio ilianguka akichukua." Kuja tumpelekee ukiona" I said hoping she would refuse since mama Peter doesn't exist,of which she did.

The cheap lie sold good, she was like," si uoge uvae twende tutembee." Tufyakwaaa!! You all know I had showered and dressed in my best." Leo stoki plz si tukae tu" I said feeling so low(hii mafuta kuisha inaniaibisha). She agreed as she sat in bed with a remote in her hand searching for the Afro cinemas. I was there,in my self confused house (kitchen,sitting,bedroom and dinning room all within 1 room) forced to watch Mama G taste her poison to see if it works and she doesn't die yet it works. I was holding her in my arm,caressing her when she saw a ghost in the same movie,removing his shoes before entering the house, she was so frightened that she dropped the remote. Now, Satan sucks,as she bendovered to pic it,her eyes came across some used Cds under the bed.

Another lie was baked,Johnny aliniomba keja, she was about to buy it when Nana walked in without knocking, "Imagine beb nilisahau..."she stopped in shock as I finished for her "ooh kitabu ndio hio apo kwa table" (thank God she didn't say panty). She picked it and walked out leaving me with refueled fire to extinguish. Beb? She fumed and walked out on me,I let her go since I would always get her back on WhatsApp. Janet was slim but sweet, I couldn't lose her.

I went online and inboxed her," sasa msupa" then the Devil in the name of typing error,changed it to "Sasa Mfupa" she replied with " ati what" followed by an emoji of eyes poping out,before I could correct it,Bob Colymore came in form of a pop up text "you do not have active data bundle...." I later got an sms from her "ju nimekonda unaniita mfupa? Ndio maana unaleta wengine wakisahau ngotha, it over,usiwahi nicall na hata usireply..." that's how I ended up single for the 40th time in 2016.Looking at the bright side of it, I'm now free to mingle.

How I became Msimple ka dimple.

What's a story? There are a couple of definitions for it , In spite of the different terminologies used, for me a story has one simple definition; a story is what I'm going to tell you.

I was a few months old in shamba la mawe (city) when I thought it's time to tell baridi ya Nairobi " nanii tembea". It was a high time I invite this angel of mine to my hood, being hot and beautiful,letting her down was not an option. The day before she came, I decided to piga roundi mwenda, that's when I saw this restaurant looking perfect for a lunch date. I picked my best clads on the eve of the date, everything was perfect even my hair but not my wallet.

Tick tock tick tock and it was time,I picked her at the stage,received a tight hug..damn man!! I was half past heaven walking with an angel. I took her handbag (was I gentleman or an idiot?) as she held my other hand. I swear hii ni ile mapenzi ya tv..I wanted everyone to see me, I'm sure they did. I overheard them "leo fisi imeua" said Guru, "don't mind them" was all I could utter. I remained behind a couple of times just to enjoy the view.

 Left right left right and we were there, in the restaurant I chose last evening. She loved it, I could see it in her smile, I loved it too until I read the menu on the table. The cheapest meal was breakfast at 300 hundred bob, problem was I had six hundred in my pocket and it was lunch.Not wanting to embarrass myself I told her to order, she did, "chips plate with beef" 500/= was its worth. I set and alarm for ring in the next 30 secs of which I recieved as a call "hello..what?....sahii?...uko wapi?..damn! Nakam..." I told her si mbali I'll be back in a minute.. went to the counter and cleared her bill.

Out in the street,na soo moja kwa mfuko, the minyoos were complaining I was hungry. I decided to enter this hotel ya mabati a few meters from the restaurant. I ordered githeri ya mbao which was not coming, Mama Kush, the owner,the cook and the waiter was too busy in the kitchen. "Hii kuni inakaa mbichi" definitely,the smoke said it all,about minutes later she came to serve me afer I had played temple run until my phone went off.

My githeri came,so hot yet I had to hurry to go back to my Bae, "Mathe..leo umeninyonga supu" I was saying as I swallowed after a few seconds of chewing. Ghafla bin vuu..the devil paid my life a visit,she was there, at the door, my beautiful date, my beb..staring at me as swallowed my hot food. Apparently, she finished her food (am sure alibakisha nusu) and decided to find me manually by asking around since I was mteja. "Hun, what's this?...si ungesema tu" she said in her sweet voice.."ni Guru tu kimeniseti" I said to myself. I couldn't finish the sweet githeri since abu ilinishibisha.

We went to my house,my lips too heavy to talk..she tried to cheer me up but no way that was too embarrassing for me. She tickled me,prompting me to laugh.."uko na maharagwe kwa meno btw" she said as she laughed. I was amazed by how simple she was,after she decided to sleep over and suggested chapati mandondo for supper. That's when I swore to be real, I promised myself I will always be msimple ka dimple.

Not A Good Day

Xaxeni, nimewamixx xo xo xana, xuccexx ix not xex xxxxx xxxxixixx (bullshit),how about you get on board and I take you back to when S was S and X was X when Christmas was something worth the wait, when we had noFM, Just some AM (Broadcasted even at PM hrs) and SW Okay am confusing you, I mean lets go back to her majesty, the chief's daughter.

With Mary back, school was cool, especially after she explained about her and Ben. After her periods going to exile she knew her dad would skin me alive,so she set up Ben to eat the sweet without the wrapping paper. That's how much I'm loved. Every school day was great, if it wasn't mandazi from her, it would be Bread, maize , potatoes, mangoes or ground nuts. There's this day she told my how she fried Chicken for supper,"nimekubebea imondo" Oh God this must be one of your missing Angels. I was salivating just imagining kuku na si Christmas, time was moving like a zombie,so I set my time 5 mins ahead and rang the bell for lunch.

As people left, she handed me the hotpot (a 500 grams kimbo container) "kotioo" that was saliva jetting through my throat. I opened it,and damn!!! The devil should have been crucified in place of Jesus, a three quarter used kimbo cooking fat. She tried to explain how she was in a hurry and took the cooking fat instead of the hotpot but anyway my day was ruined. I can imagine how her Mama went to cook lunch and found something else instead of cooking fat...anyway she knew about us.

I was summoned in the staff by the teacher on duty Mr. Matofali for ringing the bell before time, he removed his Siemens phone and ordered me to reset my watch. I did so and apologised,then Mr Suti moja (today he was waring a yellow Ng'ombe barbed wire t-shirt) our class teacher asked "mbona we we na Mary mnapata marks same,who is copying who?" The answer to that was not anywhere close. He later rearranged out sitting position,my new desky was cute too but her smell was not anywhere near cute..I now understand how mosquito repellants are made.

It had drizzled a bit that afternoon,this meant I had to reach home earlier for the game. We played football (made of paper bags) at grazing field a distance from home,I was the Francis Onyiso if not Mathew Otomax (goalers of our time). I was ready to roll, my left leg's red slipper was the left goal post,as the right's blue one the right goal post. In spite of a few injuries and kushikana tai,the game was good. I limped home for the hills on the west head swallowed the sun. "Wapi slippers" mom asked in a hell's romantic tone, damn sikung'oa goal. Lucky me, I only got a scolding,After supper, I washed my long legs and walked with my toes to bed..wait!! Nimesahau kukojoa nje...It was totally not a good day.

The Power of Power

Hamjambo wasomaji, hamjambo tena... hamjambo mara ya mwisho (boring) Kiswahili si mdomo changu...Okay, Attention all generation fresh (the chewing gum) generation pol kam (pk) it's another high time I take you back to my era,the era where 1 shilling would mean I got ten biscuits or two patcos not forgetting kooa pia. Now days 5 shillings means four biscuits, nooo, legs go back to when Greatwall was

the only Tv and Kbc the only station!!

It seems having power over Mr Pamba and "my mother in law" was just but a beginning,it opened doors to more power. On Monday,I woke up late but fresh (didn't dream I was at the urinals) had my strong tea with the ugali I saved yester night and off to school. I washed my hands on the dew near the school and ran just to arrive in time for the assembly. After Oh God of all irrigation..bless this our London nation....(the national anthem) was over,they announced the new prefects and as if my ears were playing tricks on me, I heard my name.

I was given power over teachers, I was the only one who could walk out of class without saying " plisi teacher mayai go out" (please teacher, May I go out). I was named H.E, Hon. The Time keeper, I decide when they enter and when they leave. Well,the bell to ring between lessons was a small one,handheld,but the main for break,lunch and games was a old jembe ya tractor,hanging from a tree outside alongside a short metallic rod for hitting it. This also meant my name would finally miss in the; noise makers list, sweepers list among others, what more could I ask for?.

Then next day when I was out to hummer the bell for break, I saw the chief alongside his daughter her majesty Mary. My balls started to sweat,maybe they're here for me, no it can't be.. I convinced myself.... I hit the bell so hard and the entire school roared "brrrreaaaaaaak!!!!". She was in uniform,and after break she was back in class (privilege of being the chief's daughter) and all was set. She was sent to be my desk mate by Mr suti moja (a nickname ofcos) since I had only one girl at my desk. Awkward as it was I had to,but we agreed in public we're Waiguru and Kabura. That evening she borrowed my GHC book (now social studies) to catch up with the notes,even though she was repeating class.

She returned it the following morning,covered and stapled with a United bread paper,It looked good,she gave me two well roasted maize (still warm) as a thank you. Blessed is me who is loved Abraham 3:26 (does it exist), the maize season had not arrived. I kept one in my pocket and ate grain after grain during the parade as the other one remained in my bag (green paper bag) in class. "Mwenye ameiba mahindi yangu atanyamba siku yote" that was my reaction after I discovered my other maize imemea miguu. I suspected Wafula but had no proof, I opened my GHC book kutoa stress as I wait for the teacher when I saw some writings I didn't jot.

                                        P.o. box love
                                         via me & u
                                  Kiss b4 u readed.
Dear love,
                  Nakupenda sana mpenji, when am next to u my heart fills parakachaa!! Everytime I see our boy I see u..........
 I was reading when our teacher picked my book and others for checking as he said "wengine hamuandiki notes leo mtapenda". He went with them to the staff room and placed them at his desk near the Window. If he sees Mary's letter,am doomed.. I would be in hot soup, I would loose my power.

Power, yes power... I had power to enter the staff room. Exactly, he seemed to have bladder issues so I waited for him to head for the toilets when I stormed his desk and replaced the book with a C.R.E one, Mrs Sikhuvi asked what I was doing and I explained how I had collected the wrong book. In class,I took the page out,chewed it like football (type of Big G) then used it to hit Wafula pretending it wasn't me. Mary my desky and souly (if desk mate = desky then soul mate = ....) giggled as I went to ring the bell for home science

The Dancing Bush

Hello lovelies, did you miss me? (just for the ladies) sorry dudes, I ain't gay. By the way, why do people choose to eat from the loo when hotels are all over?. I better eat from one hotel with five other guys than alone in a loo, like how we ate with Ben of Taabu nyingi canteen, yap..you get me now. Let me take you back to when Awilo Longomba son of Vicky Longomba,uncle to Christian & Lovy Longomba was my best musician... Je m'appelle... Coupé Coupé Bibamba!

It's about a year and some change after Ben was MIA..(Missing in Action), 'his Son' a couple of months old. Her majesty the chief's daughter and me we were like Waiguru and Kabura ( I had never seen her). My dad now among the few people who owned a mobile phone in the entire village,a Nokia 3310 that nobody else apart from me & him were allowed to touch. It was because I usually helped him on how to operate,especially the messaging sector. I normally went some distance from home for network..a chance to ringa kidogo with it,playing the Nokia tune as music,then cancelling it whenever I saw a hot girl, pretending it was a call.

One day as I was looking for the precious network, I saw the lantana branches dancing to "Weeepa!! Awilo longomba..hey hey hey hey hey hey...." I freaked out after remembering the snake around his nake on the song's video (used to pay 5/= to watch this plus a movie). I removed my blue umoja slipper together with its red bata partner (zimeshikwa na wire after kukatika) ready to tiptoe past there with my hair erect. Shock on me, I saw some legs in the air,between them some two black stiff buttocks (again it reminded me of her majesty moments). Now,my hair exchanged its erection with something else, wait..it's Mr Pamba, the village elder with the chief's wife.

This explained how the two of them were always seen together,they even had started cooking up rumours how her majesty's son looked like me, he had sexy eyes, well arranged teeth,and a handsome face like mine (their words). Wishing the phone had a camera,the scene was awesome but enyewe wanaume tujaribu kupaka part zingine mafuta. Some things have the worst timings, I was supposed to sneeze,holding in was a bad idea,it came out with a blast.. atssiiiiaaa!!! I had to run as the confused homosepians too tried to flee the scene of crime. Mr Pamba (a nickname from his favorite torn jacket with cotton hanging from the holes) fell on his protruding belly and swung like a seesaw while trying to run with his pants down. Now I know why her Majesty,the Chief's daughter was so good at it, genetics.

On returning home,minutes later I managed to bump in to one of my xxx actors, he said we needed to talk "tuongee kama watu wakubwa bwana" Hehe I had never felt this powerful, I told him I would be back later since I had to return the phone. He agreed because he knew my dad's temper wasn't something to temper with." Leo network nimeipata past Taabu nyingi canteen" had to lie, after all I had sent the intented message to uncle Paul and even had a reply.

Later me and Mr Pamba agreed to keep the secret and become friends after he agreed to my terms and conditions. He would allow me visit his njugu mawe plantations freely,he would shut up about Mary and me and finally Mary's mom; his mpango wa kando would allow us meet under her secrecy. We signed our deal and he gave me twenty shillings note as a simple of appreciation, I bought some tiger batteries for my walkman,rewinded my Awilo tape with a biro pen and my day was made.

Candies for panties

Allllriiiight.... ahh ahhh(does this Afro have to do that?)Anyway If your memory card has not contracted any virus nor it has been formatted, you'll remember perfectly well her Majesty, the chief's daughter. Yes you do, now that's good enough for me to take you back to the days Rambo, Van dame and Arnold schwarzenegger (what a name to write) were young & handsome like me (not bragging) and not forgetting they spoke English.

Well, the coincidences between her majesty, Mary the chief's daughter and me were now becoming more intentional, we always met at Taabu nyingi canteen. I would rather not buy sugarcane during break,lunch and games time to save the five bob so that I would buy her the Patcos(1 costed 50 cents) . I would wake up earlier,finish my chores then disappear, I even started to bath twice just to impress her, twice a week that is. It seemed to work since she always drew maps on the ground with her cute toes, she would steal a glance then bite her finger nails, believe me this was half past awesome.

Mr Ben, the owner of the canteen advised us to hide from the public,he was generous enough to offer us his room. The Taabu Nyingi canteen became our Garden of Eden, we ate the forbidden from there more often that it became an addiction. Sometimes mom couldn't let me off the compound and I missed my queen badly like my inbox misses "congratulations"(betting things) now days. This went on for a yonk until some federal agent's services were required, somebody's periods were missing.

My inlet narrowed and the outlet widened,In other terms, I lost my appetite and became a driver without a license. Niliendesha till all the plants around the toilet lost their leaves (tissue paper). What freaked me out the most was the fact that she was the chief's daughter.Taabu Nyingi canteen realy brought me taabu mingi.Why me Lord..why allow saitani torture me? I lost my weight alongside the will to walk beyond the gate. The days seemed to be 48 hours long, rumours nazo zilispread ka mshuto kwa blanket & soon or later my parents would smell it and shikanisha my new zero grazing habits.

I knew Witchcraft was real when I woke up on a Saturday morning to the chief's bicycle next to my dad's at the parking lot. Stealthily, I tried to sneak in to the banana plantation unnoticed when the barbed wire arrested me,it refused with my shirt, until I left it a piece of it. My heart displaced,beating like the musambwa drum, I held my breathe when I saw them leaving. I came out filled with fear when I encountered mom "unalala hapa ka president?" (I doubt if they do sleep) "chai inapoa..na kwani kitanda yako ni shamba?" she noticed the blackjack on my side-pocketed trouser. Before I entered the smoke filled kitchen came the Good-bad news from her.

She was like "chief na babako bado wanahangaika na ile kesi ya shamba, ule mtu alikodisha watu wengine wawili tena",thank God he wasn't here for me.." umeskia Ben wa canteen ametoroka baada ya kupea mtoto wa chief mimba?" What a relief.. wait, this means he was screwing her behind my back,he gave her free candies for her to drop her panties, this is the bad news. Mtu ananilambia asali ka siko,Mary my first love..wacha tu.They say what you don't know can't harm you, it hurts now that I know, but anyway what doesn't kill you.... am not dead. it's better to be single for a while than on the run from the furious chief.

Her majesty, the chief's daughter.

Those of you born during the Tuangamize Vijana Sasa era won't understand, some may even comment with photos of funny looking chairs. By that,I mean kids born during the era of TVS motorbikes,boxer, kingbird and whatever you may add on the list, anyway let me take you back to my era.

My dad happened to be one of the best village transporters(forget Jason Statham),he owned a well serviced colorful bicycle with a cushioned passenger seat. So there's this Saturday he came home earlier than usual for lunch,he parked at his favorite parking lot (under a mango tree).He complained of severe backaches, my mom being our family nurse gave me money for his prescriptions.."nunua panadol ya tano na Robb, alafu hii mia ununue mafuta taa".I took some milking jelly & applied on my dusty legs, grabbed an empty 5 litre container,tied it on the bike and off to the market.

Shwa shwa shwa shwa the bike was flying,my shirt unbuttoned..a few corners and I was on the main road. Several meters on the main dusty road, I saw the most beautiful girl alive,my village crush,the chiefs daughter & she was heading to the market. I offered her a lift and given the distance ahead she couldn't refuse. I was so keen not to hit any potholes for the queen was supposed to be comfortable as possible.
We were like two mute people in darkness until we reached this hill near the market.

Given that I was tired,I still didn't want to disappoint her majesty, I was sweating,the bike on a zigzag motion,just to impress my empress. She begged me to stop "aki acha nishuke" heavily breathing I said " re.....re......relax." Near the top of the hill it was too stiff and I had to give in. We walked for the rest of the distance as I gathered my breathe. It was so hot, tried to wipe my sweat with my shirt without her noticing but it turned out najidanganya.

We arrived at the market and jokingly I offered her a soda hoping she would say no, shock on me, she said "ntakunywa fanta". With No way out I paid for it,convinced mom won't notice the kerosene si ya mia. I bought the panadol and Robb then headed for the only shop selling paraffin on the entire market. Believe me when I say the devil is real, the shop was closed.. I tried all shops until I entered a chemist,hapo ndio nilijua sina kismat. I'm supposed to return the hundred shilling note,of which ain't hundred anymore. The girl of my dream must be enjoying her fanta.

"Wapi pesa ya mafuta kama hujanunua?" mom asked furiously when I reached home, I quickly cooked up a story," mom, bike iliharibika koto pin nikaunda" she bought my cheap lie since I took forever to return (time I wasted waiting for the shop to be opened plus looking for my queen) not forgetting she had no idea what that was..I had my cold lunch with a lesson well learned,kula change after shopping.