A Partially Blind Date.

Well, it all started with a simple friend request on fb, Nakshi Msupa wants to be your friend. Nikasema Why not,navenye anakaa Rihana. Kidogo kidogo ka mes mes inbox,ati "thanx for the add" (btw,am I the only one who hates this stuff?) Being a gentleman I am I replied "welcome" kumbe nimeopen mlango ya maswali.. unastay wapi, nikam ama ntachomwa na maji moto(usually used to confirm if you're married or not) .Facebook being boring for a chat,we exchanged numbers.

Confirming she wasn't on WhatsApp, I had to go back to fb to dig up her photos,I found only two more photos;one of flowers in a jar & another of heels. Masaa ya sms saved my day since she was "in love" already and wanted us to meet. This cold season buttered with a dry spell, my friend ni ngori, being a Thursday we were to meet the next day,Furahiday. That evening the caretaker came for the 1 k ya stima, unfortunately we disagreed ju hiyo tu ndio nilitegemea for my upcoming date. I bought a candle since alijifanya msee wa kplc. She called me to say good night & damn!!! That dulcet! Sauti inaweza fanya Uhuru akose freedom, sauti ya kumtoa nyoka boxani.

I couldn't wait to see her perfectly curved physique, the night seemed to be 24 hours,I even texted her at midnight to ask whether she was tired,coz she was running through my mind. She said she was out of airtime,since I wanted her real names, I send her 50 via Mpesa,believe me not..anaitwa Nakhumicha Mafwentexhere.She got dirty & threw in a naughty question, "r u gud in bed?" After thinking a careful thought hehehe nikamshow nilianza kusave kwa kitanda since utoi,in simple English it means I'm not poor in bed. I slept with a half written text on my phone,which I deleted & wrote "good morning beb" when I woke up.

It was late morning, I hurriedly took a shower (kwa basin) then a heavy breakfast (kangumu 5 na chai) since I wasn't sure the 1 k was enough lunch for both of us. I chose the best attire in my "wardrobe" (sinanga hiyo kitu) with no power,my smartphone was displaying battery percentage in red. Luckily I Had my mulika mwizi backup fully charged, I smeared my eyebrows with saliva as I closed the door off for the super date.
By 11:30 am I was sitted at the 3 stars hotel we agreed, sipping my glass of mango juice.I was doubting if she would appear coz this snake game was getting boring..then it vibrated,a text from her "am here,uko wapi?" Lifting my head up I saw a girl at the door. My first thought was "si ningelipa stima tu",I replied to her smile with a plastic one. She walked in and shock on me; she had two bodyguards. Why would a short rounded gal na tumbo ya ghorofa need a bodyguard?

She introduced her friends to me as they ordered food,......chips kuku.....,pizaa...
Me too... I said am good with my juo..kimoyomoyo I was like ghai nani atalipa,I don't have even half the money.Hii ni date ama chama? The voices in my head asked as they laughed and ate. U

nder the table I removed my simcard and my discovery battery slowly & silently.With my glass of juice half empty I left my phone on the table and excused myself to the washrooms. Having calculated I can buy another mulika thief phone at 500/=, I went and went and went and went...until I reached my door steps. I guess watu waliosha vyombo all day,ama walichonga viazi, I don't know since I blocked her everywhere and picked no calls from new numbers. Blind Date achia vipofu ka huyu Blind wa man u.

Kifo cha Panya

With ksh 110 in my mpesa on a Saturday noon, this meant lunch was a must,ama nibet izaane...mmh nope,inaweza kufia maternity. Straight hadi kwa mpesa agent,kanakuanga kalight skin kameiva.."hii jua nayo, naweza toa?" I said with my sexy smile on. She replied "Nguo ama?"... Damn I didn't see that coming. I had to tell her ni mia ya soda tu ju nikuhot.

Soda my foot, hii soh inatosha sukuma ya kumi, nyanya,vitunguu,royco na mafuta ya mboga..ofcos finje imebaki napitia butchery..thanks to the digital scale. I handed my old 50 shillings note(imeshikwa na sellotape) and ordered ya usiweke mfupa boss. Turning back I saw this hot sweet gal smiling,revealing her sweet dimples,she was so hot that I had to sweat. Quickly I came up with an idea kuficha aibu ya nyama yangu.

"Peter,hizi panya leo lazima zidie" I said. Peter the butcher read my mind quickly and supported me.."by the way ungebuy quarter ndio sumu itoshee". As she moved to the counter to buy I couldn't help but stare at her bright future behind her. Kukula kwa macho wasn't enough so I asked her "sijui ni macho yangu au nini, sioni number yako hapa" I said handing her my smartphone. Cutting the short story long (or vice versa) She later texted me asking if the rats died.

It wasn't me

Most of you will concur with me when I say some of the things we were taught in school barely apply in real life. However, some math like find x can come handy during this cold season, you can use it to find your ex. Drop a perpendicular line at an angle of 90°,well this is the most used though some people still don't get it. In pit latrines, dropping a perpendicular line at an angle of 90° comes in to use..if you miscalculate you will end up missing the hole.

So during this kafunction, my fisi eyes saw this curvy lady and she became my target,my crush...my mboga. We were busy stealing glances at each other when all of a sudden tumbo kaleta shida. Rushing to the loo,on the verge of shitting in my pants,I had to move faster and slow at the same time to hold it in.
Kufika loo,kuna msee hakudrop the perpendicular line poa,but with my situation I had to ignore and persevere the smell of it.. I was actually feeling relieved,si unajua hako ka feeling. Me kutoka nakutana na mboga imeshikilia tumbo pia,kwani tulipikiwa na mafuta ya condom?

Problem came when I remembered the small hill near the hole still steaming,worsening the situation ni its smell. Being the only person seen coming out,How do I tell her it wasn't me when she hasn't asked? I left the funky immediately to avoid meeting her when she comes out. Spoiled day, anyway you and me know very well it wasn't me.

Story for Supper

Me ni one of those boys hustay wawili hivi kwa vitanda sita, I mean bed sitter..so kuna hii day bet iliuma ndani tukaamua mama mboga atumiss kiasi. Me nakaingia butcher kubuy kanusu na viungo kiasi.

Kurudi nakapata kasembe kashaa nukia,my house mate ashaa kaspin. ma 9:30 hivi So nikachangamkia kanyake kukaanga,but nikaa walichinja babuu ya ngombe... nyama ngumu kuliko life yangu.

Ju ya joto most kejani,tukaamua kaivie hapo nje hata plot pia wajue roundi hii si mchezo. Kejani kastory tukipanga burial ya hiyo ngombe, kasembe kamefunikiwa na sufuria,appetite nayo.

Beste kuendea mwili mortuary,akarudi akicheka, msee ametusanya mboga,pamoja na sufuria na jiko. Ilibidi sapa tumekula story.