Single for the 40th time

Najua ni siku mob nimepotea ka coin ya BOB,anyway blame Colymore ju ni ye' amefanya niluz my BUNDLE of joy,sahi niko so SINGLE ka ngoma solo kwa ALBUM...(Spoken word pia siko mbaya.). Did I say am single, yes I am ..na hivi ndio kuliendanga.

Siku njema huonekana kama kawa ngware,since nihame from Kawangware nimekuwa namezea dame plot next,so this morning she bought me some pizza (mandazi). This meant no whistling for my cup of hot stirred drinking chocolate,I actually had to take it from the balcony. I know you know how mandazi ya mwisho huwa tamu..now Imagine I had watch it fly to the ground just after one bite (bad omen).Still the day was super fantastic, Nana the girl next door paid me a visit thanks to Dr. Matiang'i's long holiday. Nana and l are friends with benefits,but her mom believes I help her with homework.

Her mom wasn't home so she brought me lunch not forgetting slices. As we were busy studying in bed,her mom opened the door,their door, So she hurriedly left. I had to shower na kuclady my Sunday best though ilikuwa sato,ready to go watch the game. Knock knock...ingia iko wazi,it was Janet my main Chiq, she had paid me a surprise visit. A moment of awkwardness emerged when the Surprisee (Janet) turned out to be the surprised one..."hio panty ni ya nani?" She asked. The bakery of lies (my head) didn't fail me," nilianulia mama peter manguo,I guess hio ilianguka akichukua." Kuja tumpelekee ukiona" I said hoping she would refuse since mama Peter doesn't exist,of which she did.

The cheap lie sold good, she was like," si uoge uvae twende tutembee." Tufyakwaaa!! You all know I had showered and dressed in my best." Leo stoki plz si tukae tu" I said feeling so low(hii mafuta kuisha inaniaibisha). She agreed as she sat in bed with a remote in her hand searching for the Afro cinemas. I was there,in my self confused house (kitchen,sitting,bedroom and dinning room all within 1 room) forced to watch Mama G taste her poison to see if it works and she doesn't die yet it works. I was holding her in my arm,caressing her when she saw a ghost in the same movie,removing his shoes before entering the house, she was so frightened that she dropped the remote. Now, Satan sucks,as she bendovered to pic it,her eyes came across some used Cds under the bed.

Another lie was baked,Johnny aliniomba keja, she was about to buy it when Nana walked in without knocking, "Imagine beb nilisahau..."she stopped in shock as I finished for her "ooh kitabu ndio hio apo kwa table" (thank God she didn't say panty). She picked it and walked out leaving me with refueled fire to extinguish. Beb? She fumed and walked out on me,I let her go since I would always get her back on WhatsApp. Janet was slim but sweet, I couldn't lose her.

I went online and inboxed her," sasa msupa" then the Devil in the name of typing error,changed it to "Sasa Mfupa" she replied with " ati what" followed by an emoji of eyes poping out,before I could correct it,Bob Colymore came in form of a pop up text "you do not have active data bundle...." I later got an sms from her "ju nimekonda unaniita mfupa? Ndio maana unaleta wengine wakisahau ngotha, it over,usiwahi nicall na hata usireply..." that's how I ended up single for the 40th time in 2016.Looking at the bright side of it, I'm now free to mingle.

How I became Msimple ka dimple.

What's a story? There are a couple of definitions for it , In spite of the different terminologies used, for me a story has one simple definition; a story is what I'm going to tell you.

I was a few months old in shamba la mawe (city) when I thought it's time to tell baridi ya Nairobi " nanii tembea". It was a high time I invite this angel of mine to my hood, being hot and beautiful,letting her down was not an option. The day before she came, I decided to piga roundi mwenda, that's when I saw this restaurant looking perfect for a lunch date. I picked my best clads on the eve of the date, everything was perfect even my hair but not my wallet.

Tick tock tick tock and it was time,I picked her at the stage,received a tight hug..damn man!! I was half past heaven walking with an angel. I took her handbag (was I gentleman or an idiot?) as she held my other hand. I swear hii ni ile mapenzi ya tv..I wanted everyone to see me, I'm sure they did. I overheard them "leo fisi imeua" said Guru, "don't mind them" was all I could utter. I remained behind a couple of times just to enjoy the view.

 Left right left right and we were there, in the restaurant I chose last evening. She loved it, I could see it in her smile, I loved it too until I read the menu on the table. The cheapest meal was breakfast at 300 hundred bob, problem was I had six hundred in my pocket and it was lunch.Not wanting to embarrass myself I told her to order, she did, "chips plate with beef" 500/= was its worth. I set and alarm for ring in the next 30 secs of which I recieved as a call "hello..what?....sahii?...uko wapi?..damn! Nakam..." I told her si mbali I'll be back in a minute.. went to the counter and cleared her bill.

Out in the street,na soo moja kwa mfuko, the minyoos were complaining I was hungry. I decided to enter this hotel ya mabati a few meters from the restaurant. I ordered githeri ya mbao which was not coming, Mama Kush, the owner,the cook and the waiter was too busy in the kitchen. "Hii kuni inakaa mbichi" definitely,the smoke said it all,about minutes later she came to serve me afer I had played temple run until my phone went off.

My githeri came,so hot yet I had to hurry to go back to my Bae, "Mathe..leo umeninyonga supu" I was saying as I swallowed after a few seconds of chewing. Ghafla bin vuu..the devil paid my life a visit,she was there, at the door, my beautiful date, my beb..staring at me as swallowed my hot food. Apparently, she finished her food (am sure alibakisha nusu) and decided to find me manually by asking around since I was mteja. "Hun, what's this?...si ungesema tu" she said in her sweet voice.."ni Guru tu kimeniseti" I said to myself. I couldn't finish the sweet githeri since abu ilinishibisha.

We went to my house,my lips too heavy to talk..she tried to cheer me up but no way that was too embarrassing for me. She tickled me,prompting me to laugh.."uko na maharagwe kwa meno btw" she said as she laughed. I was amazed by how simple she was,after she decided to sleep over and suggested chapati mandondo for supper. That's when I swore to be real, I promised myself I will always be msimple ka dimple.