Not A Good Day

Xaxeni, nimewamixx xo xo xana, xuccexx ix not xex xxxxx xxxxixixx (bullshit),how about you get on board and I take you back to when S was S and X was X when Christmas was something worth the wait, when we had noFM, Just some AM (Broadcasted even at PM hrs) and SW Okay am confusing you, I mean lets go back to her majesty, the chief's daughter.

With Mary back, school was cool, especially after she explained about her and Ben. After her periods going to exile she knew her dad would skin me alive,so she set up Ben to eat the sweet without the wrapping paper. That's how much I'm loved. Every school day was great, if it wasn't mandazi from her, it would be Bread, maize , potatoes, mangoes or ground nuts. There's this day she told my how she fried Chicken for supper,"nimekubebea imondo" Oh God this must be one of your missing Angels. I was salivating just imagining kuku na si Christmas, time was moving like a zombie,so I set my time 5 mins ahead and rang the bell for lunch.

As people left, she handed me the hotpot (a 500 grams kimbo container) "kotioo" that was saliva jetting through my throat. I opened it,and damn!!! The devil should have been crucified in place of Jesus, a three quarter used kimbo cooking fat. She tried to explain how she was in a hurry and took the cooking fat instead of the hotpot but anyway my day was ruined. I can imagine how her Mama went to cook lunch and found something else instead of cooking fat...anyway she knew about us.

I was summoned in the staff by the teacher on duty Mr. Matofali for ringing the bell before time, he removed his Siemens phone and ordered me to reset my watch. I did so and apologised,then Mr Suti moja (today he was waring a yellow Ng'ombe barbed wire t-shirt) our class teacher asked "mbona we we na Mary mnapata marks same,who is copying who?" The answer to that was not anywhere close. He later rearranged out sitting position,my new desky was cute too but her smell was not anywhere near cute..I now understand how mosquito repellants are made.

It had drizzled a bit that afternoon,this meant I had to reach home earlier for the game. We played football (made of paper bags) at grazing field a distance from home,I was the Francis Onyiso if not Mathew Otomax (goalers of our time). I was ready to roll, my left leg's red slipper was the left goal post,as the right's blue one the right goal post. In spite of a few injuries and kushikana tai,the game was good. I limped home for the hills on the west head swallowed the sun. "Wapi slippers" mom asked in a hell's romantic tone, damn sikung'oa goal. Lucky me, I only got a scolding,After supper, I washed my long legs and walked with my toes to bed..wait!! Nimesahau kukojoa nje...It was totally not a good day.

The Power of Power

Hamjambo wasomaji, hamjambo tena... hamjambo mara ya mwisho (boring) Kiswahili si mdomo changu...Okay, Attention all generation fresh (the chewing gum) generation pol kam (pk) it's another high time I take you back to my era,the era where 1 shilling would mean I got ten biscuits or two patcos not forgetting kooa pia. Now days 5 shillings means four biscuits, nooo, legs go back to when Greatwall was

the only Tv and Kbc the only station!!

It seems having power over Mr Pamba and "my mother in law" was just but a beginning,it opened doors to more power. On Monday,I woke up late but fresh (didn't dream I was at the urinals) had my strong tea with the ugali I saved yester night and off to school. I washed my hands on the dew near the school and ran just to arrive in time for the assembly. After Oh God of all irrigation..bless this our London nation....(the national anthem) was over,they announced the new prefects and as if my ears were playing tricks on me, I heard my name.

I was given power over teachers, I was the only one who could walk out of class without saying " plisi teacher mayai go out" (please teacher, May I go out). I was named H.E, Hon. The Time keeper, I decide when they enter and when they leave. Well,the bell to ring between lessons was a small one,handheld,but the main for break,lunch and games was a old jembe ya tractor,hanging from a tree outside alongside a short metallic rod for hitting it. This also meant my name would finally miss in the; noise makers list, sweepers list among others, what more could I ask for?.

Then next day when I was out to hummer the bell for break, I saw the chief alongside his daughter her majesty Mary. My balls started to sweat,maybe they're here for me, no it can't be.. I convinced myself.... I hit the bell so hard and the entire school roared "brrrreaaaaaaak!!!!". She was in uniform,and after break she was back in class (privilege of being the chief's daughter) and all was set. She was sent to be my desk mate by Mr suti moja (a nickname ofcos) since I had only one girl at my desk. Awkward as it was I had to,but we agreed in public we're Waiguru and Kabura. That evening she borrowed my GHC book (now social studies) to catch up with the notes,even though she was repeating class.

She returned it the following morning,covered and stapled with a United bread paper,It looked good,she gave me two well roasted maize (still warm) as a thank you. Blessed is me who is loved Abraham 3:26 (does it exist), the maize season had not arrived. I kept one in my pocket and ate grain after grain during the parade as the other one remained in my bag (green paper bag) in class. "Mwenye ameiba mahindi yangu atanyamba siku yote" that was my reaction after I discovered my other maize imemea miguu. I suspected Wafula but had no proof, I opened my GHC book kutoa stress as I wait for the teacher when I saw some writings I didn't jot.

                                        P.o. box love
                                         via me & u
                                  Kiss b4 u readed.
Dear love,
                  Nakupenda sana mpenji, when am next to u my heart fills parakachaa!! Everytime I see our boy I see u..........
 I was reading when our teacher picked my book and others for checking as he said "wengine hamuandiki notes leo mtapenda". He went with them to the staff room and placed them at his desk near the Window. If he sees Mary's letter,am doomed.. I would be in hot soup, I would loose my power.

Power, yes power... I had power to enter the staff room. Exactly, he seemed to have bladder issues so I waited for him to head for the toilets when I stormed his desk and replaced the book with a C.R.E one, Mrs Sikhuvi asked what I was doing and I explained how I had collected the wrong book. In class,I took the page out,chewed it like football (type of Big G) then used it to hit Wafula pretending it wasn't me. Mary my desky and souly (if desk mate = desky then soul mate = ....) giggled as I went to ring the bell for home science

The Dancing Bush

Hello lovelies, did you miss me? (just for the ladies) sorry dudes, I ain't gay. By the way, why do people choose to eat from the loo when hotels are all over?. I better eat from one hotel with five other guys than alone in a loo, like how we ate with Ben of Taabu nyingi canteen, yap..you get me now. Let me take you back to when Awilo Longomba son of Vicky Longomba,uncle to Christian & Lovy Longomba was my best musician... Je m'appelle... Coupé Coupé Bibamba!

It's about a year and some change after Ben was MIA..(Missing in Action), 'his Son' a couple of months old. Her majesty the chief's daughter and me we were like Waiguru and Kabura ( I had never seen her). My dad now among the few people who owned a mobile phone in the entire village,a Nokia 3310 that nobody else apart from me & him were allowed to touch. It was because I usually helped him on how to operate,especially the messaging sector. I normally went some distance from home for network..a chance to ringa kidogo with it,playing the Nokia tune as music,then cancelling it whenever I saw a hot girl, pretending it was a call.

One day as I was looking for the precious network, I saw the lantana branches dancing to "Weeepa!! Awilo longomba..hey hey hey hey hey hey...." I freaked out after remembering the snake around his nake on the song's video (used to pay 5/= to watch this plus a movie). I removed my blue umoja slipper together with its red bata partner (zimeshikwa na wire after kukatika) ready to tiptoe past there with my hair erect. Shock on me, I saw some legs in the air,between them some two black stiff buttocks (again it reminded me of her majesty moments). Now,my hair exchanged its erection with something else, wait..it's Mr Pamba, the village elder with the chief's wife.

This explained how the two of them were always seen together,they even had started cooking up rumours how her majesty's son looked like me, he had sexy eyes, well arranged teeth,and a handsome face like mine (their words). Wishing the phone had a camera,the scene was awesome but enyewe wanaume tujaribu kupaka part zingine mafuta. Some things have the worst timings, I was supposed to sneeze,holding in was a bad idea,it came out with a blast.. atssiiiiaaa!!! I had to run as the confused homosepians too tried to flee the scene of crime. Mr Pamba (a nickname from his favorite torn jacket with cotton hanging from the holes) fell on his protruding belly and swung like a seesaw while trying to run with his pants down. Now I know why her Majesty,the Chief's daughter was so good at it, genetics.

On returning home,minutes later I managed to bump in to one of my xxx actors, he said we needed to talk "tuongee kama watu wakubwa bwana" Hehe I had never felt this powerful, I told him I would be back later since I had to return the phone. He agreed because he knew my dad's temper wasn't something to temper with." Leo network nimeipata past Taabu nyingi canteen" had to lie, after all I had sent the intented message to uncle Paul and even had a reply.

Later me and Mr Pamba agreed to keep the secret and become friends after he agreed to my terms and conditions. He would allow me visit his njugu mawe plantations freely,he would shut up about Mary and me and finally Mary's mom; his mpango wa kando would allow us meet under her secrecy. We signed our deal and he gave me twenty shillings note as a simple of appreciation, I bought some tiger batteries for my walkman,rewinded my Awilo tape with a biro pen and my day was made.

Candies for panties

Allllriiiight.... ahh ahhh(does this Afro have to do that?)Anyway If your memory card has not contracted any virus nor it has been formatted, you'll remember perfectly well her Majesty, the chief's daughter. Yes you do, now that's good enough for me to take you back to the days Rambo, Van dame and Arnold schwarzenegger (what a name to write) were young & handsome like me (not bragging) and not forgetting they spoke English.

Well, the coincidences between her majesty, Mary the chief's daughter and me were now becoming more intentional, we always met at Taabu nyingi canteen. I would rather not buy sugarcane during break,lunch and games time to save the five bob so that I would buy her the Patcos(1 costed 50 cents) . I would wake up earlier,finish my chores then disappear, I even started to bath twice just to impress her, twice a week that is. It seemed to work since she always drew maps on the ground with her cute toes, she would steal a glance then bite her finger nails, believe me this was half past awesome.

Mr Ben, the owner of the canteen advised us to hide from the public,he was generous enough to offer us his room. The Taabu Nyingi canteen became our Garden of Eden, we ate the forbidden from there more often that it became an addiction. Sometimes mom couldn't let me off the compound and I missed my queen badly like my inbox misses "congratulations"(betting things) now days. This went on for a yonk until some federal agent's services were required, somebody's periods were missing.

My inlet narrowed and the outlet widened,In other terms, I lost my appetite and became a driver without a license. Niliendesha till all the plants around the toilet lost their leaves (tissue paper). What freaked me out the most was the fact that she was the chief's daughter.Taabu Nyingi canteen realy brought me taabu mingi.Why me Lord..why allow saitani torture me? I lost my weight alongside the will to walk beyond the gate. The days seemed to be 48 hours long, rumours nazo zilispread ka mshuto kwa blanket & soon or later my parents would smell it and shikanisha my new zero grazing habits.

I knew Witchcraft was real when I woke up on a Saturday morning to the chief's bicycle next to my dad's at the parking lot. Stealthily, I tried to sneak in to the banana plantation unnoticed when the barbed wire arrested me,it refused with my shirt, until I left it a piece of it. My heart displaced,beating like the musambwa drum, I held my breathe when I saw them leaving. I came out filled with fear when I encountered mom "unalala hapa ka president?" (I doubt if they do sleep) "chai inapoa..na kwani kitanda yako ni shamba?" she noticed the blackjack on my side-pocketed trouser. Before I entered the smoke filled kitchen came the Good-bad news from her.

She was like "chief na babako bado wanahangaika na ile kesi ya shamba, ule mtu alikodisha watu wengine wawili tena",thank God he wasn't here for me.." umeskia Ben wa canteen ametoroka baada ya kupea mtoto wa chief mimba?" What a relief.. wait, this means he was screwing her behind my back,he gave her free candies for her to drop her panties, this is the bad news. Mtu ananilambia asali ka siko,Mary my first love..wacha tu.They say what you don't know can't harm you, it hurts now that I know, but anyway what doesn't kill you.... am not dead. it's better to be single for a while than on the run from the furious chief.

Her majesty, the chief's daughter.

Those of you born during the Tuangamize Vijana Sasa era won't understand, some may even comment with photos of funny looking chairs. By that,I mean kids born during the era of TVS motorbikes,boxer, kingbird and whatever you may add on the list, anyway let me take you back to my era.

My dad happened to be one of the best village transporters(forget Jason Statham),he owned a well serviced colorful bicycle with a cushioned passenger seat. So there's this Saturday he came home earlier than usual for lunch,he parked at his favorite parking lot (under a mango tree).He complained of severe backaches, my mom being our family nurse gave me money for his prescriptions.."nunua panadol ya tano na Robb, alafu hii mia ununue mafuta taa".I took some milking jelly & applied on my dusty legs, grabbed an empty 5 litre container,tied it on the bike and off to the market.

Shwa shwa shwa shwa the bike was flying,my shirt unbuttoned..a few corners and I was on the main road. Several meters on the main dusty road, I saw the most beautiful girl alive,my village crush,the chiefs daughter & she was heading to the market. I offered her a lift and given the distance ahead she couldn't refuse. I was so keen not to hit any potholes for the queen was supposed to be comfortable as possible.
We were like two mute people in darkness until we reached this hill near the market.

Given that I was tired,I still didn't want to disappoint her majesty, I was sweating,the bike on a zigzag motion,just to impress my empress. She begged me to stop "aki acha nishuke" heavily breathing I said " re.....re......relax." Near the top of the hill it was too stiff and I had to give in. We walked for the rest of the distance as I gathered my breathe. It was so hot, tried to wipe my sweat with my shirt without her noticing but it turned out najidanganya.

We arrived at the market and jokingly I offered her a soda hoping she would say no, shock on me, she said "ntakunywa fanta". With No way out I paid for it,convinced mom won't notice the kerosene si ya mia. I bought the panadol and Robb then headed for the only shop selling paraffin on the entire market. Believe me when I say the devil is real, the shop was closed.. I tried all shops until I entered a chemist,hapo ndio nilijua sina kismat. I'm supposed to return the hundred shilling note,of which ain't hundred anymore. The girl of my dream must be enjoying her fanta.

"Wapi pesa ya mafuta kama hujanunua?" mom asked furiously when I reached home, I quickly cooked up a story," mom, bike iliharibika koto pin nikaunda" she bought my cheap lie since I took forever to return (time I wasted waiting for the shop to be opened plus looking for my queen) not forgetting she had no idea what that was..I had my cold lunch with a lesson well learned,kula change after shopping.

A Partially Blind Date.

Well, it all started with a simple friend request on fb, Nakshi Msupa wants to be your friend. Nikasema Why not,navenye anakaa Rihana. Kidogo kidogo ka mes mes inbox,ati "thanx for the add" (btw,am I the only one who hates this stuff?) Being a gentleman I am I replied "welcome" kumbe nimeopen mlango ya maswali.. unastay wapi, nikam ama ntachomwa na maji moto(usually used to confirm if you're married or not) .Facebook being boring for a chat,we exchanged numbers.

Confirming she wasn't on WhatsApp, I had to go back to fb to dig up her photos,I found only two more photos;one of flowers in a jar & another of heels. Masaa ya sms saved my day since she was "in love" already and wanted us to meet. This cold season buttered with a dry spell, my friend ni ngori, being a Thursday we were to meet the next day,Furahiday. That evening the caretaker came for the 1 k ya stima, unfortunately we disagreed ju hiyo tu ndio nilitegemea for my upcoming date. I bought a candle since alijifanya msee wa kplc. She called me to say good night & damn!!! That dulcet! Sauti inaweza fanya Uhuru akose freedom, sauti ya kumtoa nyoka boxani.

I couldn't wait to see her perfectly curved physique, the night seemed to be 24 hours,I even texted her at midnight to ask whether she was tired,coz she was running through my mind. She said she was out of airtime,since I wanted her real names, I send her 50 via Mpesa,believe me not..anaitwa Nakhumicha Mafwentexhere.She got dirty & threw in a naughty question, "r u gud in bed?" After thinking a careful thought hehehe nikamshow nilianza kusave kwa kitanda since utoi,in simple English it means I'm not poor in bed. I slept with a half written text on my phone,which I deleted & wrote "good morning beb" when I woke up.

It was late morning, I hurriedly took a shower (kwa basin) then a heavy breakfast (kangumu 5 na chai) since I wasn't sure the 1 k was enough lunch for both of us. I chose the best attire in my "wardrobe" (sinanga hiyo kitu) with no power,my smartphone was displaying battery percentage in red. Luckily I Had my mulika mwizi backup fully charged, I smeared my eyebrows with saliva as I closed the door off for the super date.
By 11:30 am I was sitted at the 3 stars hotel we agreed, sipping my glass of mango juice.I was doubting if she would appear coz this snake game was getting boring..then it vibrated,a text from her "am here,uko wapi?" Lifting my head up I saw a girl at the door. My first thought was "si ningelipa stima tu",I replied to her smile with a plastic one. She walked in and shock on me; she had two bodyguards. Why would a short rounded gal na tumbo ya ghorofa need a bodyguard?

She introduced her friends to me as they ordered food,......chips kuku.....,pizaa...
Me too... I said am good with my juo..kimoyomoyo I was like ghai nani atalipa,I don't have even half the money.Hii ni date ama chama? The voices in my head asked as they laughed and ate. U

nder the table I removed my simcard and my discovery battery slowly & silently.With my glass of juice half empty I left my phone on the table and excused myself to the washrooms. Having calculated I can buy another mulika thief phone at 500/=, I went and went and went and went...until I reached my door steps. I guess watu waliosha vyombo all day,ama walichonga viazi, I don't know since I blocked her everywhere and picked no calls from new numbers. Blind Date achia vipofu ka huyu Blind wa man u.

Kifo cha Panya

With ksh 110 in my mpesa on a Saturday noon, this meant lunch was a must,ama nibet izaane...mmh nope,inaweza kufia maternity. Straight hadi kwa mpesa agent,kanakuanga kalight skin kameiva.."hii jua nayo, naweza toa?" I said with my sexy smile on. She replied "Nguo ama?"... Damn I didn't see that coming. I had to tell her ni mia ya soda tu ju nikuhot.

Soda my foot, hii soh inatosha sukuma ya kumi, nyanya,vitunguu,royco na mafuta ya mboga..ofcos finje imebaki napitia butchery..thanks to the digital scale. I handed my old 50 shillings note(imeshikwa na sellotape) and ordered ya usiweke mfupa boss. Turning back I saw this hot sweet gal smiling,revealing her sweet dimples,she was so hot that I had to sweat. Quickly I came up with an idea kuficha aibu ya nyama yangu.

"Peter,hizi panya leo lazima zidie" I said. Peter the butcher read my mind quickly and supported me.."by the way ungebuy quarter ndio sumu itoshee". As she moved to the counter to buy I couldn't help but stare at her bright future behind her. Kukula kwa macho wasn't enough so I asked her "sijui ni macho yangu au nini, sioni number yako hapa" I said handing her my smartphone. Cutting the short story long (or vice versa) She later texted me asking if the rats died.

It wasn't me

Most of you will concur with me when I say some of the things we were taught in school barely apply in real life. However, some math like find x can come handy during this cold season, you can use it to find your ex. Drop a perpendicular line at an angle of 90°,well this is the most used though some people still don't get it. In pit latrines, dropping a perpendicular line at an angle of 90° comes in to use..if you miscalculate you will end up missing the hole.

So during this kafunction, my fisi eyes saw this curvy lady and she became my target,my crush...my mboga. We were busy stealing glances at each other when all of a sudden tumbo kaleta shida. Rushing to the loo,on the verge of shitting in my pants,I had to move faster and slow at the same time to hold it in.
Kufika loo,kuna msee hakudrop the perpendicular line poa,but with my situation I had to ignore and persevere the smell of it.. I was actually feeling relieved,si unajua hako ka feeling. Me kutoka nakutana na mboga imeshikilia tumbo pia,kwani tulipikiwa na mafuta ya condom?

Problem came when I remembered the small hill near the hole still steaming,worsening the situation ni its smell. Being the only person seen coming out,How do I tell her it wasn't me when she hasn't asked? I left the funky immediately to avoid meeting her when she comes out. Spoiled day, anyway you and me know very well it wasn't me.

Story for Supper

Me ni one of those boys hustay wawili hivi kwa vitanda sita, I mean bed sitter..so kuna hii day bet iliuma ndani tukaamua mama mboga atumiss kiasi. Me nakaingia butcher kubuy kanusu na viungo kiasi.

Kurudi nakapata kasembe kashaa nukia,my house mate ashaa kaspin. ma 9:30 hivi So nikachangamkia kanyake kukaanga,but nikaa walichinja babuu ya ngombe... nyama ngumu kuliko life yangu.

Ju ya joto most kejani,tukaamua kaivie hapo nje hata plot pia wajue roundi hii si mchezo. Kejani kastory tukipanga burial ya hiyo ngombe, kasembe kamefunikiwa na sufuria,appetite nayo.

Beste kuendea mwili mortuary,akarudi akicheka, msee ametusanya mboga,pamoja na sufuria na jiko. Ilibidi sapa tumekula story.